Iain!

I am seeing this!

What you were going through in that horrible agony of childbirth and in the first moment and hour of your birth and in the horrifying aftermath of the first night of your life, the following few days, and the first few months. Which I never forgot.

This will be short. And sweet!

This is a letter to you and I will text you about it shortly.

This resolves EVERYTHING!

The Lord may HEAL ME!

YOU may truly become a GREAT SAINT! Or, maybe only to me. I DON’T KNOW YET!

What I DO SEE is that you were healing from your WHOLE PRENATAL EXPERIENCE!

My uterus was sour from the unclean abortion in Riverside! I used to sit in the tub in the farm manager’s home on the orange ranch in Fallbrook trying desperately to soak out the feeling of poison in there and I couldn’t. I was desperate! I had been on coffee and cigarettes and major tranquilizers and Tegretol and alcohol for a decade! I was still smoking. Actually, I had brought the cigarettes down to two a day. But I didn’t even know to stop alcohol! We were still going out for drinks on the weekend! I was in poor physical condition and I was staying off the meds and my mental condition was appalling! I just laid there on the kitchen floor one day and a fly laid on my belly and I felt like it was invading my womb and taking over my mind and you! It was just horrifying! I was absolutely terrified of the flies in California! They were so aggressive! I was in a frightening condition!

Then, at 7 1/2 months pregnant, we drove all the way from North San Diego County to Buffalo, in separate cars, and, from Denver Colorado, I pulled out onto the highway using cruise control because I had spasms running from my back down my right leg and I couldn’t use my foot on the pedal. I was sitting on a pillow. I drove like that all the way to Buffalo somehow. You were cramped inside my belly and for a week and a half you couldn’t move. And the ghost of Jasmine Elizabeth was with you! She hadn’t yet left my body! She had been aborted only 7 months before you were conceived! This was horrible! For me! And for YOU! In a way which I did not see!

We were driving FAST! So that Dad could get to his new job on time!

This is all so horrible to remember!

And someone said something about an adhesion and I didn’t even know what it meant and it sounded threatening. But I looked it up recently and it didn’t sound so bad. But everything else WAS!

So, IN LIGHT OF ALL THIS IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE about what happened at the moment of your delivery and in the moments afterwards which were a part of a long process that I had been looking forward to with a lot of dread for a lot of time for GOOD REASON but I JUST DID NOT REALIZE how it would be. But also how beautiful and precious a human life is and how beautiful and precious your soul was and is and I am sitting here holding you up right now for those first few hours of your life when I lost you and you lost me and will be doing so ALL NIGHT. I am holding up your soul for how you “went up” that night when you almost left this earth then they brought you back down with oxygen but then they took you away and I didn’t know whether you were okay or not, and I know now that something had happened to your neck during the delivery, and then they took you away saying that they had to “stabilize you” and I didn’t know what that meant. And then they took me to the maternity ward and put me on a larger doze of Stelazine, a major tranquilizer that I had been taking, than I was used to; and I had the weirdest and most upsetting dream about my cat Daisy and her kittens; and completely lost track of you. And then I got up in the morning and thought I was on a psych ward and they brought you to me and right now I don’t remember anything more…