Do it n do it over again.
I talked about my sexual dysfunction but I found a man who was right for me.
It never felt right at the time but it was. Just right. For me.
I needed pain. He was ashamed and I am so sorry for that. Maybe he needed that.
But in the end it is all coming out just right. It’s been almost 10 years since the split.
It’s hard to talk about the abortions but I know that he needed them and I couldn’t imagine it but I did too. Compensatory pregnancies. He need one. I didn’t know that I also needed one. And there may have been a miscarriage in there too. I went away to boarding school at 13 and COMPLETELY blocked everything out.
Project Rachel post-traumatic abortion counsel set me on a course; I went twice. But in the end I also needed Surrendering the Secret. And I have reached the point recommended by a male counselor in Florida and the same one by the famous Catholic Dorothy Day who had an abortion; she said that she always regretted it. And that was the same word that the therapist in Florida used. I said I felt guilty. I was very immature. He suggested the word regret. 23 or so years later I have finally reached that point. And it IS because of the turning over of ROE vs, WADE. Having that out the felt like there was a pack of ravening wolves at my door through much of my adult life. Now I can just sit and cry for a while.
I said in California, to my husband, when I realized that my feelings of grief and guilt over two abortions in our marriage for health reasons weren’t going to just fade away, that would be 1992, that we were a case study in abortion. I didn’t really mean it; I never really meant anything. I took everything humorously. But now I begin to believe it may be true. Of lots of people.
We just need to be so careful right now.
I still fear that I could go to Hell.
That’s one thing.
For another, I have no ability to follow the news, no t.v. and I am working on my father’s laptop. But I have thought for so long about how dangerous it would be if the time ever came to phase out abortion–if Roe vs. Wade got overturned, I wanted it beyond my wildest imagination but it’s sort of like losing the automobile and the shower and the electric lightbulb. We all got so fat and lazy in our souls and spirits.
I just said to myself honesty is the best policy, be honest. I am non-sexual so my issues are different. Society is going to have to change so much.
Is this what the pandemic is about? That’s just a shot in the dark?
Un.Bon.Mot 