Cromagnon woman

I asked people to call me that on the Tower Unit where they brought me after I was in the woods. Because people were making remarks about my looks.

then I had this weird vision while I was lying in bed, it looked like how Christopher Reeves must have looked to himself if he looked downward when he was all stitched up, it’s impossible to explain or draw. Then I was afraid it was my sister,

I did talk about this a little but only to one or two nurses. While I was still at home workng on a project I can’t talk about but it was about recovery for me and my son; one night I was interrupted by a horrifying image of somethng terrible happening to Claire. I tried to inquire of my father to clear this but there is, or was, zero communication there. All I could do was budge off of it but it escalated an already difficult situation/problem/project I was workng on, and all I could do was just hold on for her in case anything had happened but without knowing; while continuing to hang on to my own extremely sensitive issues. It was horrible.

so I was afraid the surgical nightmare person in triple traction was her. All along I had been having frightening images of what she could be going through. Then something came through to me about the “6 million dollar woman.” (Remember the series from the 70’s the “6 Million Dollar Man”?)

so I walked into the t.v. room and picked up a National Geographic issue from about the year 2000 and the cover was “the 4 million year old woman”: a skull held up by small, soft black hands. I burst out laughing. I immediately started showing it to everybody saying, “I’m the 4 million year old woman.”

that’s about how I felt. So then I started talking to Claire in my mind but out loud–that was the problem they were having with me. I just couldn’t stop talking, sometimes starting at one in the morning.

so I talked to Claire about a lot of things, I can’t remember now. It was at the same time as I was having those visions of Stevie Wonder and John Lennon, and saw the alien face to face. (“soft, soft,”)

things went downhill after that. I got more and more scared.

then the worst came, I wound up in an ambulance to another facility way far away that I didn’t like and the anxiety level there was so intense that I went nuts on the alien theme to keep my sanity? My life?

so I was drawing with crayons, that’s all that was allowed; and begging for paper and scotch tape to hang the pictures on my door. It was a surrogate blog!

it just wasn’t the right group for me, I’m not being rude, the feeling was mutual.

in the end I lost about 10 per cent of my critical material, the things that keep a person vital and alive, what they’re known by. It was frightening to watch it happen because it was a form of slow murder. I knew exactly what they were doing and I couldn’t do anything about it. The worst is that I didn’t even know rhe half of it. So here I am trying to get it back.

I am over the top on some things.

But I know that God is Love, God cares, and God has a plan. If He wants to change me I have to let him. I am safer here than there. I was legitimately discharged. I don’t see any reason my father or the doctor have to put me back. Sometimes I have to live on fantasy to keep it going, I am getting over a severe physical condition that I won’t try to explain, it just started today–the sure sgns of recovery. This had me so scared. But things are coming together at least a bit.

I just have to figure out how to feel safe here in this community after all I’ve been through here in the last 10 years and 3 decades ago. It hasn’t been a pleasant time and I haven’t been nice about it, I’ve learned how to be willing to change.