vague

what happened to me at the hospitals in Reading and near Lebanon, looking back, was some sort of occult possession–in the demonic sense– of both myself and every other person involved.

it was related to the ghoul that I became 35 years ago after a minor overdose that almost took my life.

Since then I repeated that folly in Florida around 2009. I took a massive dose of Risperdal and Klonopin. A 3-month supply of each. I did this because someone was encouraging me to and I do deeply resent this, dear.

still, I must confess, what happened was to clear me as well as the strange city of Reading from our mutual misconduct.

so, my take away was the “slope epiphany”– the 5 days in the winter woods. The most beautiful Christmas. Because that was about to happen on the Unit but I had it the best. I now qualify as a survivalist, and the funniest thing is that that IS the real me. I admired mountain climbers and explorers and the like and wanted to travel to Africa. We use to all go hiking in state parks in New Jersey when I was young.

my condition since birth (the malignant mole on my face) prevented my seeing and doing and saying things right and I didn’t really know what else to do so I just read all the time, in the study, on the brown armchair or laying on the floor with my feet up over the heater vent. Sometimes, as time progressed, I would just read one word after another without even taking in their meaning.

Finally I quit after i left Harvard. I went from hi-tech groupie to psych ward maven–ending up, of course, in the state hospital.

people tried to be kind in so many ways; but nothing could be done. Nobody knew.

since those days I have gone through radical transformations as people sometimes do.

my last therapist got me to acquiesce that what happened to me was typical of the psych world–people get scapegoated and used by their families and others. She made it sound like there is no way out but I don’t believe that.

my father was a pioneer, I can be too.

so, I was in there for 8 months trying to get away from what they were holding me for and only in the last few weeks has that ever been explained to me. A LOT OF THINGS. I’m a 60 year old woman in the MH Industry for 40 years without a firm diagnoses. Because things were left undone. Thing werent checked. You could turn a person into a write-off and it used to be okay and that’s what they thought they were doing to me.

because people didn’t see what was going on inside.

I am in a mode of being receptive to change. I have changed so far, so fast since the mole was removed last year it’s been thrilling. Because it was all good. Things are settling down now. I have healed from the physical part of the process and it will take a long time to heal emotionally and psychologically.

But I am up for it! It was such a trip to to walk into this damage zone where I’m living; and pick up one dirty thing out of place and then just continue.

the first day I spent 7 hours cleaning. After living on a psych ward and doing nothing at all for almost a year. My chief concern was the feeling that my legs were atrophying.

I did that for about 3 weeks, that and related things.

Now, for one week I have rested,

I can only trust in the Lord.