Feeling better

slept in until 10 after a large meal of red chicken Thai curry las5 night. It was exactly what I needed. I have been following the prompts and paying attention as to what to do to fix myself and finally I have left it all in the Lords’s hands.

This was ugly.

moving forward with a happy and proactive plan to empty this area (“the cottage”) where I live of the detritus of all of our past homes that I have been living in/with for 4 years; for my father they will clean out the barn.

Found some things out today just in the flow of things that have helped me make sense of my situation.

I do not understand sexuality. I wanted so badly to hear the song “No Sacrifice”, turns out it’s by Elton John. I looked it up online obviously. I listened to it at the hospital and it was so profoundly beautiful to me, I heard it again and again.

but just now I listened to the music with lyrics version and I realized I had no idea what it was about. So, I sent it to my father. I just knew it was the right thing to do. I needed to do it viciously.

then we talked. Not about the song.

and I knew that something was wrong and now I see it. Where he thinks he gets off with pullng all this SHIT on me. It’s about the Freddy Mercury Queen movie which touches on some of our close relatives. I knew that my mother rose up in ecstasy over this, I didnt know my father did. I dont want to see the movie because I think it likely that I have been segued out of there in some rude way or another that I do not need or want to take in.

they tended to forget that if they were related to royalty then so were we. She died– my mother. Not long after that. She got too proud.

I suspect that in the movie they solved the problem about Lynne (me) by making me dead and that now they are trying to get rid of both me and Ian to make the story sound right for everybody else. And there is obviously so much money there to get people to lie, cheat, and steal for this money.

this is JUST ONE of my issues.

Judith was brilliant but not too bright. She wound up in the grave.

but she was not a real person. After the ectopic pregnancy when she was 27(?), she went into half lives. There was something extremely dangerous there and it did involve her cousin and some jealousy there. I was told about the situation at a young age, I was told it was in all the tablodids in England.

the NJ psychologist touched on this in such a wrong way at such a wrong time it was sickening.

All along this has been in the works. I’m sure she told her close friends; she had many. About the ectopic pregnancy. That she could have died. About her famous cousin and the scandal that was for everybody else concerned.

Meanwhile, I was on a psych ward for a year fighting for my life. And my son is fghting with me now.

goodbye Judith.

I outlived you. I can’t believe that you took me seriously over “Now it’s a fight to the death.” I was enraged by what what you were doing. I don’t have it in me to kill anybody. I am placid, quiet, slow, and shy. Without the wart-mole and all the questions. I don’t have the strength. I am relying on the Lord who has been showing up lately. I am making some changes in my faith life. I have a few years to live sans Judith, maybe that is all that I need.

so, judith is moving off of us.

if you see her, give her whatever true help she needs.