Going to Wernersville State Hospital and everything it entailed was about how badly I fd up at Harvard-Radcliffe. The smoking, the not knowing how to shower, the neediness, the not knowing why I was there; and then to top it all off, getting involved with the Advocate magazine in the wrong way at the wrong time.
There was a consequence to be paid. I called it tge “ghoul epiphany, ” a sweet young woman looking like something out of Night of the Living Dead. That landed me a place at the state hospital and I was bumped up to the Lodge Program there which I did not want; but it was the best thing for me at the time. I got sleep, food, supervision. It was a safe place.
Next stop was my mother and father’s new place here, where they didnt really want me. I was disabled through the overdose.but I stayed 2 years, and then I met Alex.
21 years later the marriage was over; that was abt 10 years ago. After I figure out where I’m going to live and if I’m going to live long (medically speaking) I would like to return to drawing aliens with crayons and color pencils. It so completely bright and new. Drawing with crayons feels so sensual, the soft, waxy feel and the smudging.
And if the feeling is mutual i would like to spend time with my son.
Ian, I wish we could talk. I know that your girlfriends come first. It was a real beating that I took to figure that out.
but remember, even if it’s not me you want to talk with you need a goto and I pray that you have one. I don’t feel very worthy right now. I just got the shit kicked out of me for 8 months. Please do not ever agree to send me back there. There were nurses and administrators who said I didn’t belong there and to get out. There was no way to tell you or to show you. I want to be there for you but if I’m that unstable myself I m not going to be able to do much good for you. I’m still not really feeling stable. I can’t seem to be able to establish a working relationship with Grandad. He doesn’t like the glass dining table I selected and now he wants to back off on redecorating in here after he got me all excited about it.
well I just saw where this needs to go.
it’s like the story of Mr. Toad in Beatrix Potter. He was being rude to all of his friends so they started playing tricks on him until he realized what a stupid ass he was being. I wish I remember it better. Grandma Mackintosh sent the books. Grandad is all puffed up with himself like a toad.
I’m stuck on this analogy because 2 years ago, before Sasha died, I stepped on a large toad by the porch door and it upset me terribly.
I’ve been trying to work this out but I haven’t been able to.
I wanted to apologize for being half dressed the last time you came here with your friend/landlord. I just wasn’t up to it. Sorry.
Im upset about this redecorating thing. I wish he just hadnt said anything. He doesnt like the way im going about it. He wants it to be like It vwas Judith.
Un.Bon.Mot 