now…

now I know where I am. Now I know what this is about. It’s about Coco(a) the mouse we adopted in Florida. She was the last of the litter and a fat little mouse (sort of like me) so they were willing to let me have her. Maybe nobody else would have picked her. Actually, Ian picked her right up and knew that she was the one he wanted.

cutting to the chase, after all this poor little mouse suffered in her short lifetime, she went through a brutal and bizarre death and burial and I am looking at what happened to me BEFORE the slope in the woods (and the Aliens?) as a reflection of the life that poor mouse led and the details of her dying and death. I have written about it before and I’m not going to put it out there again. Just 5h a t itvwasv3xr

trem

just that it was extremely crazy.

and it had nothing to do with Ian. He was here in PA at the time. He was lovely with Coco.

that was 2003. But it was that bad that I am only now coming back to pick up the pieces. There was a desperate hospitalization in Clearwater not long afterward. Someone said, “That woman is wretched.”

and then, things just stayed that way. I became very ill.

and progressively nonfunctional. I needed care that was not avaiailanle to me in the wild west of the Tampa Bay area.

finally i wound up back here again and only in the last day or two did I let go of the desperate fear and desire that I should have gone to Buffalo (where Ian was born). I couldn’t have. I was still ill and I would have had no support. So I’ve fought tooth and nail about being back here in PA where the worst things in the WORLD happened to me; but, I’m coming to the realization bit by bit that God did intend all this; and i think I’m moving into a healing place. It had felt like nothing moved forward all along since I came here in September 2012 in the “faux” divorce. ( That would take time to explain).

so, there are many things going on here but atonement and reckoning for that beautiful little brown mouse had to be visited. The animals in our lives are so important and I never treated them right because of my organic personality disorder (thevwart-mole thing); and being kneed in the bone–likely some hairline fractures, that’s something that never occurred to me until I was at Haven. And the congenital deficiency thought the family (except my father) because of my mother’s father’s tuberculosis when he was young or something else. There was definitely something wrong with my mother and her brother was in a state mental hospital in England throughout his adult Iife. So, of course, that means that me, my brother and sister all have some of that going on.

PAIN. PURE PAIN. It can kill you in so many ways.

so, if you want the pulse of a place, check into a psych ward. But make darn sure there’s someone to get you out again.

if you want to know about a family, inquire after the animals. They will tell you anything you need to know. Animals are SMART.