my mother

I don’t know what to think.

does he want to get rid of me so she can come back? Whether here or somewhere else?

he says he wants me to stay but he doesn’t act like it,

he goes out to lunch with his friends and makes jokes about me, I know that he does.

my situation has been so serious. Maybe he just cant handle it.

judith always did everything for good or for ill.

I have gained a lot of strength to handle things and be in a community. i am ready to relinquish the beautiful place I have made here and move on if necessary. It was just so much healing fun to do it all.

I can even replicate it in an apartment if I want to. Or do a whole new work in a new space if funded for it.

I thought for a while that I was doing my “dying work” but I don’t feel that way any more. I am ready to stay here in a new way or move on to another situation such as may be available.

as for my mother dying or apparently so, it was the last thing in the world I wanted. I’ve learned to cope without her and it’s better. She had so many people wrapped around her little finger. And she didn’t care much at all for me. That’s not a good sign for a person. But maybe she did that to a lot of people. Right now I just know to honor my mother, living or dead, which was what I lost through psychotherapy.

if she IS still living or if there is SOME ONE ELSE who wants to move in, that’s not my call. But it doesn’t mean i should be put in a hospital. I have confidence that I would do fine in an apartment. I am getting stronger every day; and my ex owes me the money to do it.