pain-taking

I won’t do it any more.

I fight back.

I remember saying a long time ago that

In the 80’s it was about “farming out the pain.”

my father used to say it.

my pain at that time was future-oriented. I had no idea where I was going or what I was doing. 8n 5he mean t8me, people were taking away from my future and I didn’t know it.v I didn’t not 7nde4stand that college is about what you do AFTERWARD. Obviously, a preparation for it. I was so misguided. People at Kent School were trying to help me understand what I was getting into by applying to IV League colleges but I didnt understand. What I had in mind was that I would be going to a place where everybody would be equally intelligent and i wouldn’t be so painfully disdained. Other than that I didn’t have a clue. Because my family didnt.

so, I fit right in at Harvard in some way that I did not at the time understand.

I came close to getting thrown out Freshman year. That is my understanding now. But I learned my way and it was a bit of a stretch but as far as I understand it I did get my CLGS (Cum Laude in General Studies) in the end and I’m able to say so. I dont take it to the street any more because it got so embarrassing saying “I went to Harvard” or “I was President of the “Harvard Advocate.”

when I was also a state hospital patient or known as one here in Berks County for 2 out of 4 years.

For all I know my mother may have said it was a delusion.

She likely DID as time wore on and she didn’t remember any more.

…

anyway, with all this going on over the years I was trying to raise a child.

PURE PAIN

they blocked my bonding.

my pain-taking as an adult took such a different form. The pain you feel over seeing some you love get hurt and turn against you goes beyond words.

Hence the Hopkins lawsuit.

they harmed my child and they harmed me with my child. They let my incompetent mother take charge of the whole situation. Her own situation in the absence if my father’s help as he had just had a stroke; nonetheless a mild one; meanwhile she had to take care of his new needs. And handle MY SISTER GETTING SHOT IN THE FOOT by a mentally ill indivudual here who fired on people outside a club. And my sister and I don’t get along. Then, meanwhile, she was posing as a caregiver for me, she let me stay with her for 2 years in the 80s so I wouldn’t be homeless, the rest was b.s. I took care of my own MH needs. And taking on care of my son often over the years; for that I have to be grateful and I am but she doesn’t accept that from me.

This pain-taking is not warranted or acceptable. It would take me a year to write it all out. And others may speak for themselves.