over time the debacle of my stay at Hopkins became progressively more physical as my mother disdained me, restraining orders were filed, and the emotional stress and the climate in Florida were too much for me.
I was so ill.
My treatment of Ian was shocking. In ways that I couldn’t control. And this pained me beyond what I could bear. There I was. The mother. What was I supposed to do? He wasn’t eating properly. His father was out of town. When he was at home he usually threw out the food that I could get Ian to eat– marshmallow fluff for peanutbutter sandwiches; Lunchables. American products. It was hard for me, those things made it a little better. He couldn’t get to sleep at night. He required 2 hour backrubs. If i got up and left the room he got up and followed me. I wasnt sure if it was good for him. When his father was home he was usually angry because of me, for so many very good reasons. Except, of course, he took it out on Ian. By Alex’s standards the house was a mess. As he grew older and more capable Ian had to do all the housework on the weekends when his father was home. Because at that point the 15 years of hopelessly debilitating Constipation had begun and I couldn’t function.
the worst moment of so many days was when I refrained from waking him up for school on time in about 3rd or 4th grade b3cause he lo9ked s9 peaceful and I couldn’t bear to stir him. I finally figured that out. He got so furious at me and I felt so bad. The point was he w,as supposed to be getting himself up with an alarm clock and when the alarm clock went off and Ian didn’t wake up and turn it off right away, Alex stormed in, ripped the cord out of the plug and threw the clock at the wall. I must have bought 10 of them–those simple square white alarm clocks you can pick up at the pharmacy. I had them when i was young. I just gave up and stopped buying them.
I hated my childhood so much but I so wanted for Ian some of the comforts and advantages I had had. But I didnt know how to achieve this. Alex was making plenty of money. I was living in a mind without order. There are so many ugly things here. THE WORST is how my mother walked in on Ian’s bday party and loused up the launching of homedecorating. My gorgeous couches arrived that morning. She was jealous. She made everything suck for us after that.
so, is this in court now? I’d like to know. People are meeting. I don’t go to restaurants so im tactfully not invited. But my illness is at the center of this as it SHOULDNT HAVE BEEN. All of this should either never happened or been settled more than two decades ago.
in essence, I had responsibility without authority; and my parents had authority without responsibility.
Un.Bon.Mot 