she took me with her to see the movie “Love Story,” compulsory for incoming Freshman. We went to a party and two young men came to our door looking for me and found her instead. They invited her to a party. She hit it off with one of them and they dated through college. Actually they both liked her. I didn’t think she was pretty but men did. I thought I was extremely beautiful and I wasn’t. She was also a lot smarter or rather, she was in her domain. Her father was a faculty member at Stanford.
she also took me to see the movie “Personal Best” ith Mariel Hemingway about two athletes; one was a true lesbian and the other was just playing around. She–my roommate–said she was glad that she had seen the movie with me. I had no such feelings in that regard.
she claimed me as s friend within a few minutes of her arrival in the room; I had arrived about a half hour earlier and the 3rd roommate was already there and had claimed the single room.
over the years I have questioned what happened that week and that year and the years that followed. I remember sitting in the garage here smoking cigarettes in the 80s th8nk8ng that if I ever got over her it would have been an incredible journey; but at that time I hadn’t. Then I met the perfect husband; we moved to Southern California and I was over her
but, she wrote me a letter, old style. I didn’t know what to say. We were just so out of sync. So, i just didn’t write back.
Everything else about this situation has been said and done. There was no way to explain about that letter. It was supposed to be the new person she was and to me it seemed like the validation of the same old person I remembered. And, obviously, I wasn’t going to say that. And I wasn’t socially proficient to handle it any better than I did. Then when Ian was born I tried to call her instead of delivering the requested letter. In fact, i was unable to write a letter at that time. I had trouble writing a check. The OCD. Corners and folds in things, like paper and cloth, and the ink balling up, drove me insane. My family used the phone. My father was an AT&T Bell Labs man. My mother got a phone bill discount that was needed as her friends and family were in England.
so, this has been festering forever. 43 years. I don’t know what to do to find peace and safety in this regard. Ive lived under a shadow all my life.
Un.Bon.Mot 