starting a new life today

it was a hard day yesterday and a hard night last night.

the worst was when I had to actually get up and feed the cats.

Then. I was up/

I haven’t been able to do laundry for at least a week. I have bags and bags of it. I have a lot of clothes. I hate washing them. So, yesterday I went to a very important appointment completely unprepared. wearing something I had to take out of one of the bags. Unfortunately, I was so overwhelmed, I have been in the fast lane for 3 months now trying to pull together my life after getting out of Philhaven psych hospital’ i had so much to process and so much to do.

So, I flubbed up the meeting; and went away not sure whether the doctor liked me. There has been such a huge glut to the good here, with the fun and busy-ness of redecorating this place after I ripped it apart, which it needed. a year ago. It was absolutely filthy in here after i lived here for 2 years with 40 year old furniture ripped up by the cats; no curtains on the windows. There is no bathroom door in here but the cats have finally stopped taking interest. lol!!!

I was on a heavy dose of Clozaril and still hadnt recovered from a painful stress since 2016.

I just laid there in bed, not sleeping at night, and stayed in bed sometimes until 4 in the afternoon.

so we got a junk removal company to come in and they pulled out 2 couches, an armchair, a chest of drawers, and a queen size bedframe and mattress. just from my space here. Then there was the barn. still to be done, the red shed. i have only one item in there, i checked. I have a lot in the barn and have to protect it from others who would like to take some of it.

So. Today and yesterday I was involved with making some proactive action with regard to things like the fact that someone else gets my checks and decides whether to give me money or not and how much. My credit score is now dismal and I need to get out of this. It was court-ordered of course and it was so nice for a while not to have bills to pay. But I am fed up with it.

Anyway I went out again today in semi-dirty clothing and got called out on it by someone in the tobacco shop.

Things like this are so terrifying.

I absolutely had to go out. I was completely out of cigarettes and my father refused to go. I didn’t feel safe driving and I was looking like a dreg. I was planning to stay inside all day doing laundry and getting a shower.

So, anyway, Junk removal came.

what a relief. i had already spent a week ripping out the carpet and much more.

then, the fun part: shopping online to build some ultra-modern stuff to create a space that reflects modernity within shades of Laura Ingalls Wilder. not sure what to do with the upstairs yet, the futon on a low, flat frame is stunning in here after that horrible old bed.

And helps my back.

So, this is not completely intended to be a rambling post. I had to go out like that today and am trying to explain why and that everything is okay.

This is the virgin voyage of this new computer. It is so beautiful. I had kept it stored away thinking that I would open the box when I moved but who knows about that; I get so many conflicting intimations.

Somehow last night was the time to rip it out and here I am posting WITHOUT ALIENSPEAK!!!

Bless all of you who listened when I choking up sentence after sentence on a tablet for the last 3 months.

I pray to continue in a positive frame.

This has been a test. Still getting used to the new keyboard with is PERFECT.