This is the end of it. I remember where it all started.
For a long time I was wary of Claire because disputes with Claire can end up putting me out of house and home. It’s happened before and I’m not going to let it happen again.
A while back, like, 2 years ago, my father suggested that I take some lessons from Claire.
Claire and I are such different people and for as long as Vanessa and Serena Williams have been sparring against each other in tennis my parents have been making oblique remarks comparing me to the older sister, (with a few nasty jabs) and Claire to the younger. My mother liked to defend her right to an opinion. When we watched the news she generally drew attention to the size of someone’s nose or some such.
There was a dispute while I was first in treatment that mostly had to do with their own personal argument with one another, about “nature or nurture,” meds or therapy in other words. And my psychoanalyst in Cambridge, Mass. had told me about “talking how to talk.” I don’t know whether that’s where it came from but they had a deadly and devastating vein of conversation that could come up at any time. It touched on the argument over whether I was sexually abused or not. They said I wasn’t, they told my doctors I wasn’t, and I couldn’t remember. They just kept always giving little hints to keep me on my guard. That I wasn’t wanted so who cares whether I was sexually abused.
I don’t know what they thought was going to happen to me. They probably figured I’d end up going back to Wernersville. And It was close when I met Alex. He had a Boston connection; we left town not long after we met and got married in Texas and I was gone.
As far as Claire is concerned, shortly after my father made that remark, I saw her in my mind’s eye on all fours on a bed in a feline advance mode. This upset me terribly. I am not sexual. I grow increasingly less sexual obviously as I age; but more so because of my particular physical deterioration from damage that has been discussed. I turned right off of her and didn’t want to see her. I won’t discuss my feelings about her sexuality. I was blamed for harming her by my sexuality when I was i college and afterward. (She is 9 years younger.) Anyway I just couldn’t handle that in the context of what my father had said, all I can say back is, No, thanks.
This is what has been at the heart of this jolly spin around in the revolving door of my mental health treatment. this year and about half a year before it.
Yes, I am afraid of Claire. I would like to get a restraining order against her. I’m sure this won’t happen de jure but I am managing it de facto. And i am going to suggest similar steps for my son.
Un.Bon.Mot 