First of all, I am just adoring that I can post. This beautiful new computer feels just like a typewriter in the old days and I’m clearing things just like I would have…
So, this is what needs to be said here that I just couldn’t say before.
About the horrifying image that came to my mind last year while I was working the retroactive interpolation of a better life for Ian even as a baby even in my womb which was poisoned.
There was a lot going on about the cats and that they were abused during my SECOND trip to Horsham after the horribly traumatizing experience I had that led me there the first time. All of that went to them.
I was worried that she would be blamed; or me; or my father; I don’t really remember but I do know that, out of nowhere, while I was trying to hold onto something on the lines I have described, I had this terrifying image of Claire being raped and beaten. I am NOT going into the details because I DID NOT enjoy them. Situations like that usually turn into harm for me. She was getting her PhD. I was worrying about her trouncing around here just like she always made a point of talking about her wedding when there was a family occasion and I was there. I was not invited to her wedding. And I was very worried about this and it WS one of the reasons I left home and took off for Easton.
I did the only thing I could do. I kept a line on that in case she was in trouble and continued with my also life-threatening issues; which, as I remember I was working out through some pretty outrageous posting online. Its all in a jumble in my mind the project I was working for straightening out my history with my son; for him. I am still waiting for the Lord to bring that all together in my mind. Maybe he is right now.
Shades of Christopher Reeves.
Also, I was calling myself cro-magnon woman because I knew how bad I was looking and how old but I stumbled across a y2k image in a National Geographic magazine and it was a cover with a skull held in a young boys hands. They called her the 4 million year old woman so I thought, 6million dollar man and Christopher Reeves. I continued to have fears about the images of Claire because if anything happens to her I usually come in for blame. I didn’t know what happened if anything, I tried to find out from my father but I couldn’t get validation either way. OF COURSE I was horrified. But I had no way to know whether anything had even happened. On the Tower Unit I mentioned it the nurse discretely a couple of times but they weren’t able to help.
When I was lying in bed toward the climax of that stay I had a vision of an alien but also of Stevie Wonder with his eyesight healed, wearing just a pair of regular glasses. He was so beautiful. And then, John Lennon. I’ve said this before. But, I also had an image of looking down at myself and seeing someone in traction, covered in large blue bandages; one with a zipper. This this just went on and on. So, I said, “I’m like Yoko Ono; You’re like Janis Joplin.” I thought that she would enjoy that. But I never got a response. I asked my father to tell her.
the alien helped.
I would love to be able to talk to my sister again. I always thought it was my mother who got in the way but now I’m not sure.
I wrote her an email about ditching her boyfriend because I didnt think he had come with her as axpected, and then I was terrified. Yes, he did come. Yes, they were thinking of marriage. I hastened to fix my mistake and sent another email apologizing, It was all that I could do.
…
The retroactive interpolation was done through prayer, imaging emails; lots of help from songs and Shakespeare. It’s hard to explain, I am losing it and I don’t want to. Its about putting in the time to go back to those old moments that hurt so much and believing in and finding healing. Later, on me and Claire and The Rain Man in reverse.
This will not be posted publicly.
Un.Bon.Mot 