I am sensing in your mood that you are hearing some bad things from people who knew me at Kent and Harvard and other times.
I am very sorry for this. Sorry that people are telling you and sorry that those things happened.
There were a lot of people taking advantage of me and leading me down wrong paths and I have let go of that time in my life.
I didn’t really even want to go to college for reasons you have heard too many times; I just went there for a place to go. And I shouldn’t have stayed bvut I didn’t know the first thing about living on my own or supporting myself and holding down a job. Grandma put all kinds of pressures on me when she herself did not know how to hold down a job.
She was a secretary by trade like her mother and she thought she was better than that because ALL of her female friends were college graduates.
In English you get a cultural education regardless. In America, not so.
I did some things that I oughtnt and I have paid the price. In these critical moments for me I am still working out the tangled fabric of my life and trying to make sense of it all.
I was so out of it when yo/u were born and when i was trying to be a new mother and everybody took advantage of me even then.
And then Hopkins through a monkehy rench in th eworks by giving authority back to Judith; after I had FINALLY gotten away from her and her acustaions by going out west. And she adted like that Didn’t even happen/
She acted like I was the one in diapers to be told what to say and do and I deivorced myself from her a long time befoer but nobody understoodbecause I just couldn’t communicate at that time.
As far as my interaction with men it wasn’t as bad as what many others do.
There were a total of about 30 men who touched me in any way i my life, the first when I was 12 I think, just kisses. Then I had four relationships in a row to get over what Grandad did to me when I was seventeen that was totally inappropriate and he scared me out of being able to talk to anybody about it.. I swore to lose my virginity at a graduation party and I sort of did, it was outside on the steps of a mansion and he was totallhy drunk and had no idea what he was doing. finally there was Mark C. at Harvard and that felt like a beautiful relationship but I just dont know how to think about it now. I was copycatting my roommate Sally who met her first husband Freshman week at a party I went to too. I was looking for the same kind of security only it was not possible for me at that time; I was very into being an intellectual and did some good work’ Especially after I failed out and then wanted to go back and I think Grandad used his influence to force them to take me back. There were a lot of issues. My smoking and a bunch of things I am too embarassed myself to even say. But the CLGS is legit. I haven’t heard anything to contrary by anybody in authority. That stands for Cum Laude in General Studies in other words they gave me honors for getting through as I did because they did know about me. And it did have to do with my love for the Advocate. At least. that’s the way I look at it. I don’t know who would be creditably denying me of this. I spent my whole life striving to become a real Harvard graduate. Dad was my relief. He just didn’t care..
I had goals and aspirations. I have to admit that Sally was an inspiration to me. It was just really bad how it went down when I was failing out and she took advantage of the moment to down me in just the way she really wanted to. It was like she kept me on hold for 3 1/2 years just so she could find the right way to handle me and it was to ditch me. I was homocidally angry at her. I would never physically harm anyone. But that one time I did really want to do something terrible to her for what she did to me..
Don’t worry about sexual stuff you here. Skin contact with men was something that helped my pain and insecurity. Then as now–or rather, 15 years ago, I wasnt really capable of sex. I fudged it. The skin contact forms a strong bond and it was hard to get rid of it. I didn’t know what to do in bed. Grandma and Grandad had no idea whatsoever what was going on with me. All I knew was that they hated Mark; and that angered me. After we broke up there was a string of purely sexual relatioships that led to Wernersville state hospital. That’s the way I look at it. Jeff in Spmerville Mass paved the way.
I learned there not to hurt people and to “get my needs met with my pants on.” So, before I met Dad, I had been celibate for two years.
The rest i am not really ready to tell right now.
Dad should have asked me about all these things and didn’t..
So instead you have to hear about it from me. So that you are prepared for any way someone might try to take advantage of you on any of these grounds.
it WAS the wart-mole problem but also being kneed in the crotch BUT ALSO KENT SCHOOL, where I ruined things for everybody for 4 years and they probably felt that way at Harvard too. This is daunting or me to realize but I have been looking at it that way. My parents just dumped me on them and expected them to take care of “the problem” as they ought to have on their own
Then the wart-mole came off and now I am truly changing just as I was trying to do. I couldn’t have know the extent of it.
js praying not to go back to the hospital, I was being HARMED there. They said they let me go too soon. I was at the end of it. The last thing to deal with was the hospital milieu intsead, the facgt of hospitalizaiton and the satys on so many wards. My point of view is that that is NOT best dealt with by “finishing my stay at Philhaven.” It’s finished out exactly as it had been by working with the ACT Team without paranoia even though I know that my father tries to influence them.
I do not want to die. I am so weak from laying in bed for a year that I am already at a serious level of atrophy. I need to be doin what I did when I first got here, cleaning this place out like mad, and tastefully redecorating. My father authorized this so don’t let him say that he didn’t. I think there is a serious possibility of death from going back to any psych ward that is solved by staying active OUTSIDE the confinement of the hospital and letting go of the PTSD of the psych ward and living a normal life.
Because I can.
I have another short email to send you. Thank you for reading this one if you did.
Love, Mom
Un.Bon.Mot 