embarrassment

Sometimes one bad thing solves something worse/

I ran to the front door in my skivvy nighty with a corduroy short covering it because I was waiting for a delivery that I was afraid my father would refuse the delivery.

He was stuck out back and didn’t have time to do anthing.

It is a beautiful, beautiful lamp and a gift to him.

so I came in and got dressed.

I pray that this doesn’t put me in worse trouble. I perceive that it touches on something HORRIBLE that happened to me in the partial program at K-building in 2018. It was an issue of my out-of-control physical sexual response and it got me in trouble and got me kicked out of the program which I really needed I (the program; NOT to be kicked out. Sometimes I do inappropriate things BECAUSE of this pushbutton sexual response. I still had the wart-mole by my nose at that time and was accustomed to rejection.

But that really torqued me because THEY WERE THE ONES WHO DID IT TO ME!!! (gave me the sexual problem with the TORTURE IN THE ICU in 1986.) So much has gone around about me over the DECADES since that happened in the ICU that it colors how people look at me. I have blogged my heart out for 15 years to get free of it. I am finding out now who the guilty parties are. They acted disgusted with me at the partial program; I was disgusted with them. I needed help.

So, then there was my brothers actual or faked suicide; either way it is a huge hit. Not like my mother’s death (faked?) That blew me right out of the water. It just didn’t seem to fit.

There are things I would like to say right now and would if I were the old Lynne but one of the major changes in my life right up to the minute is to honor my mother and father. As I have said a number of times. Its a Commandment. Just like cheating, lying, or stealing: these crimes were punishable by crucifixion on Jesus’ day.

So, anyway, I really oughtnt to have gone to the door like that. It turned out it was just a few small parcels for me; the gorgeous lamp came later and I was dressed. I was just so excited about the lamp. Which did come a few hours later. And its already built, only took a few minutes and it is GORGEOUS. I apologize to the UPS driver who had to greet me at the door half naked at 1 in the afternoon.

Oh yes, and as far as accounting for my time, since getting a computer around 2009 I have spent countless hours blogging, self-publishing. Before that, after Ian was born I started writing again, which I hadn’t been able to do for a long time. And in Seminole I was earnestly desirous of writing publishable work and did send it out but got a negative response. Still there are copious pages in handwriting and print that document everything I ever thought or did.

Also, since 2012 when I returned here from Florida, I have been emailing my husband on my cell phone, sometimes spending hours on one email because it is so hard to type on the cellphone. I no longer use one, not the smart phone style. I just have a very, very old-fashioned one that I am still learning to use. But the point is that I was mentally busy in a way that returned me to the safety of my old, childhood reading where I was curled up all day with my feet over the heating vent in the wall in my father’s study. Otherwise I was sitting in the brown corduroy chair for hours.

My life might have made me a soldier; but not a serial killer. Anything can happen to a person in this world today and throughout the ages. But some things just don’t make sense.