these two cats that my son adopted have adopted me.
I have finally arrived at my own true life estate.
I am a woman struggling all my life with organic personality disorder without anybody’s understanding this.
Everybody knew there was something wrong and there were many different understandings of this. Negative people took advantage in nasty ways BECAUSE I was very bright and it made them freel good to hurt me. As I got lost in the world of MH, I got lot in the world of MH. There was no other place to put me. But, I was being called schizophrenic, “Except, we are not working with that diagnosis.” That sort of nonsense. Nobody knew. My brother knew. He never told what he knew. He didn’t want people to know how he took advantage. We needed a name for it. I needed a name for it. I knew something was wrong.from the age of about 3 or 4. We were playing tag in the back yard and I ran to the “safe” tree that my brother was touching and I never forgot the look he gave me, rage. Like he wished I didn’t exist. I can’t explain it. But I felt like I deserved it. I wished I didn’t exist too.
My life was absolutely awful. But in our family we weren’t allowed to complain. Because my mother was sensitive. My father was a hard man. But he adored black, and white Fred Estaire films and the like and had a fantasy world that he escaped to.
Well then he got older and everything got very sad for us.
And now Im getting older and things are getting pretty sad for me.
They were so horrific for so long that it couldn’t be true
I had a psychiatrist whom I won’t name who led me to the path of Radical Acceptance in recent years through a process of CHANGE, something that my father, with whom I am residing at this time, does not understand. Well, he is 90, and it is hard at that time, but it was always trut of him. Well, I don’t know. But I always came in for all of the track. Englishmen of his ilk have no tolerance for mental health issues and my complicated and ironic case was beneath his contempt and beyond his comprehension. In other words, I got the shit kicked out of my for forty years in the most impossibly painful ways like being infantilized/abused over having a baby and trying to be a mother. That was my mother’s behest and he fostered it.
Who knows if there was good English working man’s sense somewhere inside the things he did and said over the years, or real pain of his own that he had to take care of that had nothing to do with me but hurt me in ways that I couldn’t cope with at the time. I had true hatred of him. Because that was what he showed to me. It was insane what he showed to me. The things he said were outrageous and outlandish. I had to pamper him. He was the British schoolboy in America. Special.
What about me?
I think that that gives a glimpse.–this was in ADULT life.
I am tired and I have to go to get some rest and wind down now. I cam[t even remember what I sat down to write about.
Oh yes, organic personality disorder. It was severe. In my growing up. I remember ONE TIME, in my growing up that felt normal and happy and comfortable with two female friends at the pool for an afternoon. Otherwise there was ALWAYS something not quite right…my neck is startijng to hurt gotta go.
Un.Bon.Mot 