moving on

grqa

What a day!

My life has turned around on an apex I could never have seen coming.

My son is talking.

I had a horrible life up until his age, when I met his father.

Then although it felt horrible it was beautiful.

I thought I had the most beautiful mother in the world and today I realize I didn’t really have a mother at all. I didn’t have her as a child. I didn’t have her when I was away at Kent School. I didn’t have her AT ALL when I was away at college; then, they put me away at the state hospital and left me. I got out and put myself back with them for a short two years where I had both of them as parents but she wouldn’t acknowledge it. Then, I met Alex. She interfered. 31 years later, Ian (Hi Ian) is sorting out the tangle she got me in with the FIRST PHONE CALL that just never quit. I had to do with the delicate balance of English, Canadian, and American in our family; my parents arrogance about this; and Alex’s much more complex, interesting, fabulous command of European French and German accents, Canadian, English, NO American and a brilliant mind. We were stalled out in 10 seconds and it never went away.

I had two abortions. As I have already said, I crapped out on this by saying, “Our lives are a case study of abortion.” I finally realized the problem with this last night. It was a vow. The Lord tells us in the Bible never to take vows because you have to fulfill them. So, somewhere in my mind I have been holding onto this as a positive where it was a horrible negative that was harming my born son and almost killing me.

I knew this, about not taking vows, I had figured it out about the vow about suicide by smoking before going away to college. It was not silly, it was deadly, in so many ways. Something terrible happened to me over the “incident with my father” when I was 17 and I never knew what to say about it, I never said anything about it in fact; my heart turned hard and slowly, bad. I hurt people. I was ignorant and abusive. Like the phone call that my mother queered, much later, I didn’t really know what had happened, just that it was horrible.

The, two more things.

My writing;

My son.

Somehow, these two pursuits in my life have turned to the good no matter what anybody has tried to do to defeat them.

Expository Writing in college turned me against my God-given writing talent over some personal rivalries that were inappropriately brought to bear on it; becoming elected to the head of the undergraduate literary magazine on strict orders of the member who I had a desultory relationship with DESTROYED ME AS A WRITER which was what I had joined the magazine for.

END OF STORY. 41 years later I am finding my way.

Motherhood.

An incredible JOY. No matter what. I lost two children through legal abortion. I am very glad for the turnaround of Roe vs Wade. A horrible monster is gone from my world. I can love the children I lost and grieve and let go without someone sucking me into their sick world of prochoice. It makes a good word bad in so many sick and metaphorical ways. I am free to let go now and be there for my son retroactively; that is what I have been doing for the last 2 1/2 years when i left here and drove from a parking garage in Easton where I had stayed all night with pullups and incontinence; down Easton Road all the way to Horsham Hospital in Ambler, PA, crying “Lord, move Heaven and Earth for my son!”

So, now, after all the things I have been, I am the turnaround artist for me and for my son. That is my priority. If my father wants to be a part of it or refrain from intruding, I’ll stay here and be a support for him in his needs as a 90 year old man who has lost his wife. I pray that he would not be offended by the suggestion that he needs counsel in this regard and that I cannot provide it.

I was lost in a no-man’s-land where I couldn’t see that she was really gone. Today, I finally did.

Apex, vortex, retrograde; these are words or concepts to be explored; I so hated to let go of British English.

I wanted to write, think, and have several children.

I was free to do a lot of thinking on psych wards and as Alex’s wife, a disabled person. I guess I wrote as the Lord called me to; I wrote the blog, poetinterrupted.com; I conceived several children. I am so happy to be a single mother as my Chinese Horoscope says that Alex and I are not well destined for each other and I am made to be a good single mother and not to have many friends. I know that I shouldn’t really be following that as a Christian, but at the same time, I have found so much ironic wisdom; I don’t find it in Western astrology, Just the Chinese Horoscope. I don’t know if that is the proper term for it.

I wish I could have written better but I will wait on the Lord’s will for that as I am preoccupied with my son during these important years of his life; where is so important for ME for HIM to be in a good place and I see the Lord working this in amazing ways as this year moves on.