That’s how I was treated here.
Well, no, I was treated with love. People were KIND to me.
I drove around in my gross little car that NEVER got cleaned and NEVER got its oil changed, and went from diner to diner getting breakfast and coffee at all times of the day, leaving a 50 cent tip. I tailgated people at night with my brights on and never got arrested. I ran a red light once at night and got pulled over but just got a warning. I spent most of my time that way, just driving around in my car, sometimes for four hours at a time, it was so lonely.
I had some friends from the hospital system and always also spent some time with them. I was quite close to a few. I have talked about my Christian friend LK. There was another woman whom I loved dearly. And I hung out with her and other friends she had.
Nonetheless it was a terrible time. I was having a terrible time with my meds that I just can’t even talk about because I’ have tried so many times. I was on Tegretol and Haldol and smoking in my parents’ oily, gas-fume filled garage full of flies and the cat food and garbage. I was getting black crud in my nostrils from the oil and didn’t understand why, waking up in the morning with the feeling of scraping black stuff out of my throat. I have permanent sinus damage from this. That in itself was so horrible. I pulled the stuff out of my nose and it was so thick and tarry that the large nostril hairs came out with it. My situation was so disorganized that I could never remember whether I had taken my medication or not. I had a tiny room with no door immediately adjacent to my father’s study. He was usually up at 8:00 and I slept until 10:00. I suppose that it would be legitimate to state that I was not really wanted here. They could have given me the family room over the garage, a room large enough to be a studio apartment; ande I could have smoked in there. The house was large enough for that. My mother would not give me an inch AND I DID NOT KNOW WHY.
After about two years I was starting to get a desperate feeling. To make it simple, which it was not; at all; I met Sandy, and left; for Texas,and then California which so completely blew my mind for the good that I just left all this behind in such a way that I thought that it would never come back. But, when we returned to the East when I was about to have Ian, my mother did not respect this distance and separation and tried to pull me right back in, which did not work but it did destroy me.
I don’t know what to say about California. It was like the ALIENS. so, so beautiful I can’t talk about it. Too much to say to talk about it here. and no words
There’s a song about Arizona that helps to explain about the West: Andrew Peterson, “Nothing to Say”
It filled me with PRAISE!
…that carried me out of where I had been and saved my life.
There, too, I drove for as much as four hours in a day, all alone, but it was so, so beautiful…it was AWFUL how I felt there with the two abortions and trying to get off the medications so that I could carry a baby but the physical beauty of the place at that time was so extreme… I’m seeing here that for the first time in my life I was GOAL-ORIENTED. I wanted to have a baby! it was so fd up because on the way I lost two that I was too ill to keep. THEY were too ill for me to keep them, there was no question of that in my mind. When Ian came, I knew that he was strong enough. I KNEW that he was strong enough. I saw it in his steely eyes in the ultra-sound at four months. And I was called and I knew it in a way that I understood well enough to carry me through.
I was in the psych ward and I was listening to the children’s fund ad and the woman said, “somewhere out there there is a child who desperately needs YOU…” That was it. From that moment forward ha ha!!! until today I have been upon the well-worn path of motherhood.
Every mother and father find their own way.
Ian, Dad and I found our own way with you. We really did. It may have been all fd up but think about the language clash alone, pidgin German/French Canadian English/French Second Generation Canadian with English grandparents + the daughter of English parents lost in America, we simply couldn’t communicate about ANYTHING! to make our way. We each had our disabilities, mine was formal, dad had a serious problem from not getting glasses until he was SEVEN YEARS OLD when he was almost blind!!! I had this fd up psych diagnosis which is now all straightened out. What I want to do here is type in a whole string of gibberish but that’s old news. That’s is what we were like! It was perfectly natural! For us!!! We were not evil! It just seemed that way!!! And you WERE A SICK BABY! And I carried you this far in a strengthening frame until I could work on all that in the way that I have been for the past year and a half:
“DEAR GOD, MOVE HEAVEN AND EARTH TO SAVE IAN!”
I did it by instinct, and prompted by God in response to my prayers to God.
Ian, this is for you.
>>>I have to step in here quickly and say this, my MO:
>>>GOD IS LOVE
>>>GOD CARES
>>>GOD HAS A PLAN
Know this, whoever you may be, whatever you may be going through, know this.
As for us thinklings, in America, we each have our different point of view.
So, Ian, I have been talking to you in my head as always, I don’t know how much or what you have gotten.
Un.Bon.Mot 