My son

I go to talk about him and then I forget. This is always the case, when he was tiny I constantly prompted myself to be aware of him because I was afraid I would just forget. Forget to feed him, forget to love him, forget to hold him.

It was the organic personality disorder. I was absent-minded. And such a person just couldn’t be a mother but I was called to do this.

To show the importance and intensity of the motherlove bond. In this era of abortion, women in the work place, women wearing army boots.

I do see all the positives in all this, for instance, going to a female doctor who understands my body; a kinder and gentler world.

But the world was not kinder and gentler to my son.

Consider this. Old-fashioned anti-psychotic meds, or “Major Tranquilizers” (that’s what they used to be called) make you lose the sensitivity in your fingertips. This is commented upon in a book by the head of the Department of Health in the 70s or 80s that I read when I got out of the state hospital. I think the title was “Surviving Schizophrenia.” I learned a lot from that book. About common delusions, et cetera, none of which I ever experienced.

But, over time, being in the psych world I picked up a lot of habits of thought and the look of a mentally ill person.

That alone was hard on Ian. As far as the finger tips, after a while I couldn’t open jars, packages, et cetera. It crept up on me slowly. And of course the cigarettes. I was always dropping them. And only half pre-occupied with Ian.

Fast forward to today.

I finally understand that Ian HATED me. I just didn’t get it. I knew that he had issues with me but they (the powers that be) forced him to contain his feelings about me for my sake and his because there was no other mother in sight and we had to get along.

so, I know that he enjoyed my reading books to him at night. There was a lot of fun we had.

But, for one thing, I got fat. At one point I was over 200 lbs.

I always spoiled things–like that poor little mouse. Whom he dearly loved. I spoiled everything. Ruined everything. I had always been that way.

It was the wart-mole simplex! It’s gone! I’m learning a whole new way to be!!

I’m just begging the Lord for a little more time. Time for me-for Ian. For whatever I can do to pull something out of a hat to make it all better.