Choking

A while back–around 2015–I choked up some dark brown stuff. Evidentially it had been sitting in my lungs for a long time. This was after I had gone to a fast food restaurant and was afraid they had put something in my burger well, evidently they had. There was a gross, slick spot on it. I was with my father. You can’t say something like that to him so I had to just eat the burger.

There was a lot of this stuff going on in my life at that time. I don’t remember too well, it was before the Lamictal overdose; that was like a pale blanket that covered everything over until, well, a couple of days ago when I woke up and realized that I was still living and I was able to remember Florida. For a long time (if you have read this blog or my others you know) m y blogging life has been a crazy jaunt through different parts of my long ago past. And, I made Florida IT! Actually, the whole South Central Florida region. On my behalf and my sister’s. We don’t talk, and she did some really uncool things and I don’t want to see her but I still love her and pray for her to find the right course in her life.

But, before all this, when I was living in Allentown, I had this fear of someone putting piss or something else rotten in my food and I just know that it was shit because I knew something back was in there and I kept trying to choke it up and finally it just came out, quite a while later, as if there was some kind of natural barrier in there that doesn’t let certain things pass through.

This is not pleasant to say but it needs to be said.

Because since then, after my mother’s death, my own father went wild with this, the one thing that I can validate is that I woke up in the middle of the night with liquid diarrhea and I heard my father say to me in my mind “I put laxatives in your ice tea”! (He lives over on the other side of the conservatory. I had left a 1/2 full plastic jug on the table downstairs in the conservatory. That was only one instance out of many. As I have said, at this point that was a long time ago and I don’t remember very well. My father turned 90 this year and cannot be blamed. He lost his wife. We have lost my brother. Everything has fallen apart.

Our life is slowly beginning to restructure. But for some of us there might not be much time.

There was another episode of choking up black stuff several times over the last couple of weeks and it might have just been the food, I am disappointed if that is not the case. Then it stopped. Please, this is not kindergarten.