Hupomone

Hupomone is “patient endurance in suffering.

It is a course I followed for long. More recently, I went through several changes.

First, I resolved to be of few words. I used to spill them out like water, making no sense.

As I have said before, I dropped the self-deprecating Brithish wit.as I realized how hurtful and negative it was. It has taken alifetime to figure out how to be British in America aned it is a long story that doesn’t bear telloing right now.

Over the past yeawr, I resolved to folow the course of St. Mary Magdelan because it is a really good fit.

In other words, I am cleawring up my my actions and behaviour has she had to have dohne to go to Jesus. I have heard it remarked that she was one of Jesus’s s closest followers. That she was a strong and outspoken and proactive woman.

These characteristics did not pertain to me in my eawrlier life but I had a head start that always followed me in being a chorus member in a local production of Jesus Christ Supersstar in the NJ town that I lived in at that time, which is when I was seventeen. it was a profound help to me at that time because I was grieving a family incident that shook me deeply and I am really only now recovering.about 44 years later.

The woman who played MaryMagdelan was so beautiful.

I mixed that up with a love affair with the man who was playing Jesus. who was 10 years older. And so it was after that, I mixed everything up with sex. I got hurt, so did others.

Now I am proceeding to sue Johns Hopkins. The lat I have heard it has not been filed yest and I am on a crazy merryground thinking that a check is in the works.

So, things were way off the rails, so many things happened. There is good and bad to sort out which is resting in the appalling stay at Johns Hopkins University Medical school Affective Disorders Unit where I landed whern I was 32 and my son was bling the treatment I received ther4e.

I just saw my Acgt Team Member and explained about how I broke out into screaming and rhying all day long, sitting with my small son in the new townhouse we had rented south of Baltimore, in Rockville, neqr D.C.

But, I am verging on being of two many words.

I went to a psych Hospital in Rockville and pretty myuch lost my mind.

Here it is some twentynine years later and I am figuring out what hit me.. I’m back in PA, struggling to cope with the divorce and figuring out what hit me.

In the first apartment we moved to in Florida,, I heard something on t.v. about b eing a “leader in suffering.” In other words,, some people seem to get an unfairt share of it and you turn it to the good that way.

I continued to write and grow in Christian faithj.

Recently there was another significant bfreakdown, significant not all in a bad sense.

I am here in PA for my sake as well as my son’s. It has worked out that wasy. Which is reasonable because my son needed me first and foremoet, to get help myself

Waters have been so turbulent here for so long that it is necessary at this time for the situation to begin to clear. . Theree has been so much physical damage that my remaining years may be few. I want to oleave my son with re4sources to carry him in case I don’t live long.

HE needed help too mostly that I needed help with knowing how to be a mother in the prevailing circumstances that was never forthcoming.

So, I endured. For 29 years. With a little baby who was so lovely to me but I didn’t know how to keep up.

Many steps have been taken; as I have said, JOHNS HOPKINS needs to be sued.

After ten years here in PA from out of Florida, things are coming back together in my mind. It is just weird how time changes things.

I cannot help these typos because the print that shows up on the laptop screen is so tiny I can barely see what I am writing but please bear with me. It is a temporary situation.

Me, some time last night. My sleep has been mixed up for the last week in the strangest ways. Yesterday and today I slept for a few hours on and a few hours off.

To me my face looks all puffy but it is the best I have looked since the “slope epiphany, when I was lost in the woods when I was supposed to be at the Haven Hospital. OBVIOUSLY I am sltill somewhat disrupted..

But I think it is enough to do something that I always desperately needed to, which is to clear up the relationship with Gary, who played Jesus in the production of Jesus Christ Superstar.

I was so in love with him. But I want to reach out here, it went vadly there when I got to college in Massachusetts. I didn’t realized how talented he was,. He was striving to be an actor for real.

It ended horribly because I just didn’t know who I was . There were some terrible things going on in my familyt.

I remember bursting into tears in the driveway outside the house in Summit when he said “I can’t marry y ou.”

I have heard that at least one other tijme and just didn’t know why. Yeawrs later I understand,. But I am thinking, did he ever make it? Or did he quit. I had the impression that he quit.

But, for old times sake, I ‘ll will put it out there , a vote of confidence in him, he was such a lovely person..

I was a very weird person at that time.

So, there was Gary. There was Mark S in Reading…a multitude of lovers after that, but I was NOT a slut I was just t promiscuous, which is different. It was part of my organic personality disorder. which was added to by physicqal injury. that made me insecure and obsessed about sex.

Then, so many years later there was my husband, which is different..