Clozaril

It’s a miracle drug for people like me with “toxic brain syndrome”–who have been run through the mill with every kind of anti-psychotic medicine and anti-anxiety medicine and anti-epileptic medicine and other psych meds–from one doctor after another and on one psych ward after another. Well, that is my profile. I’ve been one of the worst. I realized that it worked for my hysteria in this regard. My son constantly draws the line there–the Clozaril works, I need it, not to go off it. He gets me back in line if I even think of stopping it. The problem is, for the last two years my doctors keep refusing to provide it! That is what led to the massive breakdown a year and a half ago. Then, once again, a week ago it was not made available to me. It took this in stride. As of half an hour ago, I have it back on board–the Act Team came out today to provide it until the next scheduled delivery. And I got a lecture on not stopping it. I explained that I did not stop it–it was not provided. And about my son. The tech helped me. He said, so, it makes you feel a little funny, but consider the trade-off. In this case that was a pretty easy equation to solve.

So, I finally have some money. It was so bad that I spent $209 last night at the supermarket on the kinds of things that you usually buy 1 of every week or so; but I hadn’t been able to go out for months because of lack of money and my neck pain (I couldn’t drive). I am happy to report that both statuses are back to normal. For now. Unfortunately, one of the things that I was out of was Senekot, which I have to take along with some other things for my chronic lower GI dysfunction. It was a painful and desperate situation. Ultimately, I was crying on the toilet and that was just the beginning of it. And I started to think about people getting their genitals blown off in a nuclear holocaust routinely and their asses blown open. I almost screamed. I had fallen asleep for about an hour laying on my side after using a suppository which wouldn’t go in right. Then I thought, well, that would happen to the doctors too, in a nuclear holocause situation, those who were left living, so who was there to help? I trusted in Christ, something I had never learned to do in that situation, and ultimately, it took about 2 1/2 hours, I was able to go.

I forgave myself for being so ignorant. I forgave others for being so ignorant about me. It’s a simple lesson. Don’t judge.