Money Matters

I was falling into fear tonight after sleeping at least 12 hours last night. I woke up feeling happy but then I wasn’t sure what was going on.

Then, I started cleaning and, it was the weirdest thing, the extremely disgustingly old dustbunnies all looked like lizards and were all the same size and I looked at the first one and said “alien.” For a moment, I saw life in it.

This place was so full of old and disorganized stuff and, I was gone for a year. I had a cleaner in but then she couldn’t make it last time. She was supposed to be here today but she couldn’t come in, I assume, because I was up here sleeping.

‘

I was just so paralyzed here for so many reasons–my parents’ anger, the meds, the 2016 overdose. The last is finally going off of me in many ways through the wart-mole surgery–the latter was bigger. But there is weird feeling still from nearly dying from the 2016 overdose. I was so “in it” before that I didn’t understand how sick I was.

God is Love. God Cares. God has Plan even for the least of things. He has a plan for today for me. He has a plan for me right now. Which is for me to go out to get Colace which is a desperate necessity tonight. And I can’t because I am too drowsy to drive. Actually, his plan for right now is for me to realize this as I just did. so…

I am seeing that everybody else is getting some rest. Everyone else is so stressed by my illness and recovery. My son is talking to me in my mind. I know to listen.

If I am scaring and stressing others it is because my father has been pushing me beyond me beyond my limit way too long and exhausted my basic human qualities. I don’t say this because it doesn’t help. At this point I have to. I still can’t say what he does. It’s just crazy. He makes a life and death situation out of going to bed every night and I sleep frozen in a huddle. not heat-wise, terror-wise. Then I wake up trying to remember where I left off the night before.

It is way beyond “it got bad at the end.” It just isn’t a realistic situation any more.

But there is no money for me to move out! I thought the Hopkins lawsuit was for real! It has petered away to nothing! This has been my problem all my life. I got a $5000 back pay settlement when I got my social security disability pay long, long ago and it was thrilling. Since then, except for that I have pennies. For 39 years. I am grateful that I got it. It enabled me to get out of the state hospital. It was a treasured safety net in my marriage. But now I am 61 and it is not enough. I live rent-free and I am grateful for that. In fact, I just realized today that I should clean the dinner dishes and pots and pans as well as cooking now that I am getting better, instead of our “You cooked, I’ll clean” policy. My father has been very generous. But sometimes you need to cut loose and do what you need to do for yourself. I did that last night and it made a world of difference. I haven’t been asking for money from my disability pay-keeper because everything felt so futile but I have quite a bit of money there. I got some the other day that is enough to put me back in the black for a while at least.

But I need to have the wherewithal to move out if necessary. I’m back in the same boat as with my ex. The relationship got poisonous because my moving out was not financially possibly for me.

I know that he (my father) wants to say “Get out” or something like that. He would think that that would be macho. I fall all over myself trying to do the right thing here. As opposed to kao taoing to his whims, I am NOT his wife and I WAS NEVER his preferred daughter. So I offer him the bond of friendship. From here, I will leave the rest out of print.