something I never was before in my life.
I lived in a haze of cigarette smoke, tons of coffee, and mixed drink hangovers. At the tender age of 18, 19, 20. It must have been a pathetic and disturbing sight to people who watched. And sex. At that time I was less incapable than I am now. Now I am completely without that capability. Those parts are done.
So, I never really knew about sexuality and now I live entirely without it. I consider that it is possible that I cannot truly write meaningfully without a real understanding of sexuality. What’s the fun? Where’s the relief? In Ecclesiastes the roaming Prince concludes that everything ends up being meaningless except, after a long day’s work to come home and eat, drink, and be merry. I finally realized what that meant, which I didn’t before. Eating I understand, so I stand heavily on that, although even that is being taken away because of the condition of my teeth and my swallowing (because of the meds).
As for drinking I can’t drink on the meds take. Obviously that refers to wine, honey mead and the like. And obviously being merry refers to getting it on. Later on.
Nobody in my family ever talked to me about sex except for a one sentence statement by my mother which is too disgusting even to repeat; and then she walked away. On some occasions when I got there with a boy I was frigid. Other times I was bizarre. I had a nice relationship in college that lasted two years, but, as he kept telling me, I should have been paying attention to my education. For me, college was just a place to live for four years, I suddenly realized last night that when I was thinking of leaving Junior year it was because they wanted me out. It was so many things. Then I remembered the same thing happened around the same time period at Kent, I just didn’t pick up on it at the time. That makes me really sad.
Still working on this.
I wrote a summary of my diagnostic and psychopharmacological treatment to date last night (40 years!) lol. It was just something to do. 2 1/2 pages. It came out very well, clear and concise and I think that it will help to share it with my next psychiatrist. whoever that may be.
Un.Bon.Mot 