HUPOMONE

is a Greek word meaning

patient endurance in suffering.

A Greek word, but a Christian quality.

Abt men’s clubs at Harvard.

and the movie, from the 90’s about a black girl dancer who got raped by the star of the show and got the dress shop she wanted for the experience. Her white girl friend dancer, who has become the hit of the show, takes justice into her own hands. I can’t bring to mind the name of the movie. The gang rape scene is awful and I wish my ex hadn’t take me to see it. Obviously, he had his reasons for doing so.

Me Too. Kinda vaguely but it was kinda like that. I am happy to be reprieved of all sexuality. I am a woman of the eighties and that was a bad time to be a woman. We were breaking ground for the women’s movement. We thought a woman was a man with breasts. No woman truly understands about children and child birth until she is carrying her first child. And then, because of vociferous pro-“choice” jargon, they think they have to “choice” whether it is just the right time for a baby in their lives and often enough the answer is no. Its like she is given a stick of gum to chew on and it feels so bad but it is interesting And people all pumped up about pro-choice are beleaguering her about this crazy good thing about how you could get rid of the baby and not face all of that right now. Where in other times, a baby–especially a first baby, is welcomed with joy by the community. Obviously the problem is the lax rules about sexuality in society.

I have the answer from my best friend A. (Not Aim–i will be with you shortly!) who said we are not always ready for something important on our plate. And Childbirth and childbearing are probably the best and most important thing a woman, preferably with a husband or devoted boyfriend, will ever do. God said, “Go forth and multiply.” I had the help of the example of two old friends who had raised their babies solo and, although I was not talking with them at that time, i knew they were out there and they provided answers and comfort and reassurance to me–Yvette and Suzy–I think that they would want to know in this regard. If not, at least I tried. My ex just wasn’t ready to be a father. Even though we were –technically–married. It was a Green Card thing. My father quickly quashed that and gave orders to Alex. that is my impression. At the same time, Alex gave orders to him. I wasn’t well enough to raise a baby on my end and they would need to be there to help. So they let me be there alone with the baby for 7 months with 1 week’s reprieve. In other words, bullshit. The didn’t do anything. that was pretty much the pattern through my life with my son and my side of the family. As he grew older, they used him. For a party or wedding guest, et cetera. They had some kind of custody through the Restraining order in Tampa, Or, likelier, some other order that I never knew about until now. I am just guessing. Oh, Yes, where I left of last night because I was too tired, I want to mention about Ian’s name. His middle initial begins with A. So his initials spell IAM. I AM Alex Just fell in love with that. It was not by any sort of intent on our parts.

And I set out to try to write a poem, and this got him (Alex) even more. He put it into a long string in the address bar on the computer.

“I am that I am said the cradle to the pram.”

There wasn’t much more to the poem, I have it written down somewhere.

The next words were:

“Waste not, Want not.”

From there it deteriorated

and I am unable to recover it.

Oh, and as far as the name. The middle name. There were a number of andrews (Middle initial A) (I imagined that everyone had an embarrassing middle name (I did; Alex did). I was just trying to avoid the name of anybody I had gone to bed with! There weren’t that many. But still. The name means “manly” and I wasn’t happy with it. But my parents were. They were into an English, euphonious name like you wouldn’t believe. I took a gamble on that because their acceptance of him–especially with regard to family in England–made the difference that was needed. On my side of the family. For their caregiving of him late in life. He was wanted.

As far as sexual abuse it is going on all the world over and if it was happening there it happened to everyone else in the family too, I am learning, on BOTH sides of the family. I am learning.

Also, about disabled children and how they are ALWAYS sold for their bodily use even by the nicest families because they have to justify their existence like anyone else. It is a form of work for them and dignifies them. that is my perspective as one among them myself in a way I did not accept at the same but which I do now accept with my new, accurate diagnosis of organic personality disorder as the primary diagnosis. Together with several other disorders, which is how they work things in the MH system today. except all mine are pithy.

But I have extremely recently learned of some things with I will not just accept. That is up to the minute.

rats in a cage, (I have heard) when it becomes overpopulated. turn on each other and become homosexual, agressive, and then violent. Mothers eat their babies. When a city in Old Testament times was under seige and had no food, the otherwise kind and loving women cooked and ate their children for food. The most desperate times bring the most desperate measures.

These animals are known to be the closest in the animal Kingdom to human beings in their habits, socialization and practices.

I just stumbled across an old picture of Ian as a child for the millionth time and realized that he was STARVING. With things like this right now, I am lifting myself and him up and figuring that it had to do with the sour amniotic fluid and that somehow it had to be healed. That was the worst. Sitting in the bathtub in California trying to soak out the poisons of two sick deaths in my uterus but it was hopeless.

So, I am understanding RIGHT NOW that the sweet kid in Easton HELPED ME WITH THIS Just as I AND DID. Somehow, as kids, they knew more than a woman ruined in the health system about how to help a dying child still in me in several different ways. One was Ian, still inside me. Like when I was in the woods but there was fox out there and I was still vulnerable to it even when I was brought back onto the unit. Ian helped me with this. Ian was still vulnerable to that other child inside me and the bad amniotic fluid until this came out. He needs to see a doctor. And/or talk to God about it.