today

…NOT THE DAY AFTER

COULDA BEEN

When I was little my parents absolutely comically laughed and freaked out over the movie “The Russians are Coming.” I don’t remember it at all and I didn’t understand why it was funny. That was their America. A place where you could laugh.

And it always stayed that way for them.

But for me.

I was their problem child.

So, I had to fix it.

And now I have.

The Russians were going to launch an Armageddon nuclear attack last night, or, they were starting orders that would ultimately lead to one. I got a curious message from my son and passed it along and passed it along to my husband who would then have talked to my father.

And it was ended before it was even started.

People in power are so desperate that they want to fix the world’s problems by ending it.

Me? I am a chubby housewife without any authority OR any responsibilities at this point. Before, I had responsibility without authority AND was disabled in such a way that I could be forced to accept this situation for forty years of my life. It was a sick situation and a sick way to live of which I am now reprieved per THE LORD. There is a reason for things. I worked off infant torture. Now my life has come back together and I WANT TO LIVE AND IT WOULD BE SUCH A GRAVE MALFEASANCE to take my life from me at this point when I finally want to live it, after the personal struggles for myself that I have had had the honor and grace to be able to take on through helping my son redeem himself from me as a mother who just couldn’t.

In India, I don’t know how it is there now but I remember hearing that parents laid babies who were unwanted or malformed in some way on hillsides to die or, if they lived to adulthood, they were given over to lives of service and weren’t necessarily treated well. And I can justify my life in my mind on that account. Life isn’t always pretty or cute. My life was always subnormal and no one was able to say that to me in words except a privileged few. Last night I heard that a close friend from the past had died some time ago. I didn’t realize that he was a close friend but that was how it was said. Then I realized that that was just to end the tie. I didn’t realize that there was a lingering tie but then I did and now I know I need to figure out how to end it which was why I went to the computer last night to post about it.

irresponsible.

Those people at the Dove were extremely irresponsible.!!!

“Sam” And the rest happily accepted my invitation to leave the “executive board” in the new board’s hands and disappeared. They left a mess behind.

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the delightful poetry board leader and members cleaned out the huge trash problem out back of the building.

I (somewhat eccentrically) mopped the walls with soap and water, which I enjoyed. Someone told me they should have just been painted.

After that I really didn’t know what to do.

After a while the same person told me that I was just “a figurehead.” I personally offended him several times. It still hurts to think about it.

There was another who I embarrassed severely once but I had endorsed him for the rising President. He must have thought I had withdrawn that because I asked someone else to run and I just have to finally say this 40 1/2 years later, it takes explaining. I was trying to orchestrate the election. Because that is what the outgoing board had used me for. It was sort of mixed up. I wasn’t talking to anybody else on the board. So I felt left to do it myself. It felt sort of interesting and obligatory, which was more fun that most of the others things that I was supposed to do that I couldn’t. A puzzle to solve.

So I asked somebody coming in from a leave of absence to run for president. Even though I did not withdraw my endorsement from the other fellow who had asked for it very early on. And I didn’t tell either one. I didn’t tell the second party that I endorsed him. I didn’t even realize that he would assume it. Unfortunately I also had sort of a crush on him, I was so desperate and so alone that I enjoyed his company, such as going to lunch together occasionally in the dining hall.

I was just afraid no one else wanted to run for President after the horiblle state things had been left in after MY presidency. I wanted things to be left in a positive way. So I was trying to orchestrate a good election. There was a dynamic there where the “beautiful people” had a strong presence and I was not deemed as such and there was a contingent of others such as me and the person I endorsed was more like me. So, the person that I asked to run was more part of the Beatiful People and I wanted there to be a candidate for that part of the crowd.

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so… come election time the race for the Presidency was tense as the Managing Editor had stepped out to run for President and that just, as I understood it, didn’t usually work very well. That role came from the Art Board and the President came from the Prose or Poetry Board.

So, the personally I originally endorsed still had my endorsement and nobody understood that, even him. Someone from the Art Board, who knew the person whom I had asked to run, explained to me that they did not feel he was a good candidate and their candidate would be much better.

So, the die was cast.

It was horrible.

In a way that I didn’t fully understand until now.

I was just a child in my mind compared to these people.

I had a fragile ego that had already been torn apart by trying to stay President when what I wanted was never to have run for it. I was a very serious, shy, quiet person, ####tempted.#### To do something she oughtn’to v

Right now Satan is taking away my power to spell.

The forces of good are helping me trying trying trying keep prevailing

So, YES after 40 odd years I finally see it. It is pathetic. There was a strong Satanic presence at Harvard. I remember the expression on Mr. Gould’s face when he said that I shouldn’t go there. He was scared. Remember this was the late seventies, early eighties.

And I remember that kind Black woman’s face when I was left at the shelter and I said something and Ian was taken by my ex and my parents because the doctor had put me in the hospital, she was scared. This was the year 2K.

YES. It is now 2023 and we are all safe. A nuclear catastrophe has been averted. These things are all in the past. I just wanted to point out

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that I have been in horrible situations in my life and I can handle my part of this and I have been preparing for this and learned from it and I apologize so sincerely for my mistakes of the past. I struggled for two decades with the clear or rather dark knowledge that Satan was a presence in my life and finally got baptized by a dearhearted nun and her priest in 2018 and it is starting to prove through. I had been an avenue for this evil demon for such a long time because of the mistakes and/or evil of many. I am not any more. Please don’t kill me. I am CLEAN.

Another thing, for the weak in faith: the Lord announced to me Himself that my smoking is “unguent and appealing” to Him.

I am allowed to smoke. My doctors have always said so.