Apology

My blogging since 2009 when I first started has been like a homeless person who puts him/herself out in public view to avoid being harmed in the shadows–a matter of life and death.

I have been in a seriously compromised situation since I left Johns Hopkins Affective Disorders Unit in October, 1994. After a while, insanity took over and I took advantage of this to say whatever I wanted and make digs at serious issues in a very uncool way.

I noticed recently that while I rarely get comments, I had about 1000 in my spam queue.

My blog goes to about 235 loyal viewers (or is it 135? I can’t remember right now; I think the latter.) It may be circulated farther, I may have other random viewers, I just don’t know. I don’t know where these accusations of hate speech are coming from, it must be from my blog. I really didn’t know that I was doing it. I was just ventilating PAIN the only way I was able. I walk around this lonely room alone with my two cats and walk to my computer pouring out a blog post when things start to build up and pour out words. Even sitting over the computer and typing was difficult for me. I am chronically handicapped even crippled.

That is what I kept saying at the psych floor I was recently on– “pain pain pain.”

I have been in a nightmare since I left. I compared my stay to the experience of the Bosnia solder who ran in the woods for 5 days and also a concentration camp. Since I got back home two weeks ago it’s been a thousand times worse. I am wondering things like whether I am on Jacob’s Ladder (it’s a gruesome film), and still on the operating table where I got the pacemaker put in with local anesthetic and the surgery was difficult.

In other words I am still confused and upset and I am uncertain whether I will live another day. I really don’t know what’s going on or how to interpret things, I have a history of brain damage from overdoses, and have been an invalid for so long that I can’t really validate things the way a normal person would. I have to use my brain to do so rather than fact-checking and this often leads to misinterpretation and a world of confusion. I have to budget my strength and physical and mental resources.

All this is by way of apology for crass things I may have said and my insensitivity towards other people’s feelings in the comments and remarks I make about people and society. I am just so physically numb from pain and socially alienated that I am insensitive to others. This has happened slowly over the years.