The things they were saying to me on the psych floor provoked me to say a lot of abnormal things as a form of self-defense.
Early on I spent three days fighting for my life at night, passing between waking and sleeping for about five hours as I struggled to save my life in the wake of the pacemaker surgery. I was wearing a sling on my left arm to prevent me from raising my left arm over my head as that could kill me. Especially at night. It was very awkward and I couldn’t move proplery and couldnt handle psych ward politics as I normally would. Also, as I have said, I was still struggling FOR MY LIFE as the pacemaker surgery had gone badly and I really needed a secure environment to recover and this was not one. I had a wheelchair for a while and it was taken away from me and I was forced to participate on the unit instead of wheeling around the halls.
It was hardest in the dining room as there were youngsters from another unit who dined with us and that is an uncomfortable relationship from me as I am going through a period in my life where it is time for my son and I to begin separating as he is 29 and we have been so close and I have been so dependent upon him because of my many handicaps. He needs to move on with his life and that is going to be difficult for me. Most of the patients on my ward were older like me.
I felt like I was scaring people. I was scared at night and towards the end I became hypervigilant and feared rape as it has happened to me on psych wards several times. I screamed at night several times and was refusing to go to sleep. This has carried over and now I haven’t really slept for more than a few hours at night for weeks. I just didn’t know what I was saying any more. I also didn’t know how bad I looked. I was taking two new meds. I had only one set of clothing. Every time I turned around people said things like “revolting” or “disgusting.” I was so offended! I am a geriatric patient with such a long psych history and of course I feel like I should command respect and just didn’t understand what was happeneing. Recently I have learned some things that help me to understand why this was happening. At the time I was mouthing off and saying some pretty strange things and lost my way. I felt that I escaped with my father but now I understand that I was encouraged to do so. I was never so scared or humiliated in my life. Whatever I may have been saying and however it may have looked, that was what I actually felt like. After getting a lesion removed from my face two years ago I am learning to use my words at the age of 61 and sometimes I just don’t know how to talk. Also the two new meds I was taking were making my thoughts go out of control and causing some memory issues.
I so profusely apologize for offending patients and staff but I really can’t be held responsible for this.
Un.Bon.Mot 