domino

at Horsham hospital the woman outside at the picnic table described my actions with the little grey kitten (now I call him “Domino”) as “maternal.” It was very reassuring. I tried to breast-feed him. Because he was so desperately suckling at everbody’s necks.

Now, I see it as a forseshadowing of my motherhood. I was so desperate to breastfeed and I couldn’t. I was just too weak. I succeeded once, and then had to give it up. i had married into “clan chattan,” the clan of the cat.

In the Boston area in late 1985, after I lost everything all at once, I lost a pair of grey gloves in the subway and something else grey and went looking, it was very sad and eerie. it was about Domino. That kitten almost starved and thirsted to death in the rooms in Harvard Yard when I had to leave him there for Thanksgiving. Also a foreshadowing of my son. i just wasn’t well enough to take care of him.

He was the SECOND “atonement child.” We killed the first. I call her Jasmine. She became a pebble in my womb. Hence the big belly. She was a trapped spirit in the worst way. She finally came out TODAY. HERE. I came here to be “churched” for this reason. I longed for this in California all those years ago and the Lord finally brought me to this place.

I lost her spirit here today. It was the strangest thing. After all these years. That she WAS a physical presence in my body.