Racing from the sludge of my 17 year total stoppage lower GI disorder to a place in my fathers heart; apart from one another. I recollected earlier today. the moment Thanksgiving day at the house in Seminole Things were so desperate. I didnt know whether It was my father who was speaking to me orthe … Continue reading Small One
Category: Family
My sister, the end
In sorry dear, but I meant it when I made it over with you at the side of our mother's death bed. Obviously there needed to be a go-to for a new relationship but that didnt happen. Im over the rote, silly dance in our family where I was marked lame and not allowed to … Continue reading My sister, the end
Words; Sudden Death
Tonight I am posting my way out of the weirdest and most important single moment of my life. I told my father earlier in the day that I was watching the 2015 Steve Jobs biography movie; at that moment--of course--I didnt know how it ended. It ends with a beautiful reconciliation between Jobs and his … Continue reading Words; Sudden Death
Here Done Now
I said that to myself last week about what I wanted and needed and here it is today and I have it: "here, done now;" after decades of peregrinating in self-psychoanalysys. At the heart of it this is what I see: my father wearing feminine menstrual protection pads for his urinary leakage to parties because … Continue reading Here Done Now
Fearfully and wonderfully made
Abortion stinks. Its the worst thing. The Lord tells us we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14--1.) My mother didnt respect this. She blamed me for her ectopic pregnancy when I was 5 years old. Or, that was what it felt like. She went to the hospital for it on my 5th birthday, and … Continue reading Fearfully and wonderfully made
Safe
I am stuck here in a rant about my up n coming book, pending a years wait to organize my ideas and figured out how you write a novel. That would be after I get out on my own. Saw the movie about Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook last night, from 2010; was absolutely flabbergasted. Issues … Continue reading Safe
Rift
Here there is a final rift with my father and I will be leaving; it cannot go another way. He is busted down to "traffic cop." I cant even remember now the reason but this fits. He had been going around everywhere having affairs with people in this head, even Sister M.; and my old … Continue reading Rift
Sorry
Im sorry for all the people I hurt because of my sick sexual and emotional problems I had a bunch of human rights issues to solve in the MH world, race matters and the abortion industry. Also, I had a beautiful family to go to one day, a lovely husband and a son to raise. … Continue reading Sorry
Smoking
So, in late 1989, I was sitting in my mothers garage in the old house across the way here. It was filled wirh filth, overflowing with garbage. Dead flies, oil and gas fumes. A dead rat and a dead bird in the refrigerator along with some ginger ale. I was a fixture there. I wasnt … Continue reading Smoking
Sister M.
Well, this has been a bugaboo since the late summer of 2018, before my brother killed himself. I reported to my psychotherapist at that time that I feared that the nun who was counseling me for baptism was exposing me to unwarranted personal intimacy. Not sexual abuse; just an emotional affair. I understood that I … Continue reading Sister M.
Un.Bon.Mot 