in my father’s shadow

As a young girl I was a very ambitious being. I didn't realize that I was competing with my father for my mother's attention and the world's love. He was the James Bond of early IC. I was lost in a world of books and ideas, coffee, booze, and cigarettes, thinking myself a literary being … Continue reading in my father’s shadow →

moving along

This is today. At last i am on today. At least for one day. BROADLY SPEAKING. In other words, being in the moment. For the first time since third grade, when i picked up a book up off the table outside the classroom door. im learning for the first time. I used to rehearse my … Continue reading moving along →

California

Ian, im sitting here thinking out college. It took a lifetime to figure out the social bs mostly because of being English. And because of grandads hi-tech job. I had to go to a major university to field my needs and to fit in but I wasnt really prepared for it. So, today, I am … Continue reading California →

About Adam

My father runs me. I used to be horribly concerned about this because of my sexual immaturity and his. Friend Robyn in Florida showed me and ex husband Alex that "everybody is a pervert!" lol!!!. He said he and his automechanic buddies cracked weird jokes all day long at the shop. We were all totally … Continue reading About Adam →

Almost to the end

This is the denouemont. They are saying he tripped and fell. "We arent going to use the word suicide." I am trembling as i write. Because ive seen this before. Its the one sure bet they ever saw in their life, it involves downing me and its sheer bull. It goes back to when my … Continue reading Almost to the end →

Fat

omg. Ive gained 3 lbs. I've been steadily losing for a year and 9 months, a pound here, a pound there. Two months ago I hit 157 (I started out at about 206.) And I had a bad feeling about it. A month ago I weighed in at 157 again, no bad feeling this time. … Continue reading Fat →

Horse

Im finally getting it all figured out. My life in my family since i was 28 years imd has been dictated entirely by tbe death if my sister's horse. This is exactly as crazy as it sounds. They got a backhoe to BURY HER ON THE PROPERTY. (The horse, not my sister.) (Did i mention … Continue reading Horse →