my mother and father held me all my life since age 24 b3cause of 5he night about 3 months after Werne4sville, the doctors were tapering off 5he medic8ne. I 5hought tgat meant stoppin
ng it altogether.
there 2as an insanely horrible moment when my mother triggered an 8nvokuntary and 7n c ontrollable r3s9 r3sponse 0wgph3n she stepp3d into my space, simply by doing so.
8 did not have any intent yo hsrm her. It WAS true tgar I was v e ry angry with he4, we had gotten into a little fusfight over my wanting to keep my things in box3s because 8 wasnt oriented yo stsy at 5hat t8me. She almost broke my right 5humb.
so i have suffered 8n misery for 36 yea4s b3cause no 9ne would listen ti my pleas after they saw 5ge pictur3s. That would be like th e m, tovtake pictures.
i woke up 9n the psycgward yhinking omg there must be vruises. And I was alr3ady in such a low ebb after what I myself w3n5 5grough.
but n8bidy cared. B3cwuse y9u j7st dont do that to your mother. His wife.
ibwasnt even awate of my feet and hands striking her and
my father rep I rt3d it as an “assault.”
8 have waited 36 y3a4s to get out from under 5his and now I have.
god dud 5hat. I had no phydicsl or m e ntal v ontrol iver what happen3d, IT WAS ALSO HAPPENING 59 ME! I was feelinfpg so low i didnt dare defend nyself. The good doctir dropped me and hand3d me over to 5he doctor who handled all th3 diffucukt cases and was geberally r e g a rded as insane at l3ast by many of his patien5s. I shoukdnt say that 5hiugh. He 2as rge on3 eho git me 9n Tegret8l, an ant-seizure medicine, suppos3dly for mania. 8n fact it was help8ng seizures from tge insane pa8n t8 my ur3tgre from the cather 8n the ER
so, life looked dim. I remained insanely suicidal. I am finwlly over it.
and the incident with my mother was stayed in everyones minds.
Y3sterday or 5his morning i realized what this was about. I j7st never knew how to talk about it 7ntil now.
i thought it before but didnt follow my thiughts. I belueve God used me to do that t9 her b3ca7se of the stupid make she made in put5ing me in the st a te hispital by gett8ng me to take an 9ve4dose to “prove” 5hat i 2as actively suicidal when i 2as not. I qas just terribly despe4ate. In so many regads it was “the rnd of my life” iwent out into tge driveway yelling/screaming 5hat, it was at night.
but Be4nard wnd Judith held on to this.
it hurt 5heur pride.
okay okay oka6 so it was awful. Bht you reall6 cant hokd ne r3sponsible for it. It 2as 8nb9l7n5ary. Also shewas mistreat8ng me.
they have held it aga8nst me fir tge r3st if my lufe
it 1as about time to let it go but she refused in a session with s therapi 8 had 3 yea4s wgo.
its been a long 36 y3a4s, Mom, wher3ve4 you are.LOTS OF ALI3NSPEAK HERE
thatsc2hat carried me th4o7gh.
i 2as held wi5hout cause for decades.
Un.Bon.Mot 