All My Life

When I went to Wernersville State Hospital (You may check with them) I said to myself, or maybe to the room at large, that I wanted to be an instrument of God–like Mozart, like a flute. I realize now that that was the most important moment of my life. All these decades since then I have been doing it all wrong, not understanding.

I also talked to the dentist, the first time I was there, about how my values had been changed by my stay there. He made a rude noise and gave me a bad filling. Now I am losing my teeth at the age of 61.

I became a sort of female Don Quixote. Handing out candy and cigarettes to the other patients. As I had a flow of money from my parents. The brought me cartons of cigarettes and I handed them out. I had sex with at least several different men and got a horrible reputation. I thought that by sharing my body I was giving them some sort of gift. The nurse practitioner dropped me as a patient. Instead of talking to me, which she really should have.

This has been the bane of my existence this very day. Because of it, I was afraid to come back to this area but I had to because my son spent so much time here with my mother and my father and I knew that he had issues here that only I could help him with. He may disagree with that. He may say that I WAS the problem. I have been ill since before I was born. I can understand his animosity. I have like animosity towards my own mother on my own behalf. And then, he relied on her for his care. Can you imagine this snarl?

For months I have been sitting here listening in to a courtcase that I could not verify in corporeal reality was even really happening, just that my father was going out every day in increasingly implausible excuses to Harrisburg or on other more plausible causes.

Supposedly it all ended today and I should be getting my check from the Hopkins lawsuit when my father sees fit to hand it over. Or my son. Or whoever has it. In any situation like this I can see in the aftermath why it had to happen just the way it did but this time it is just too big to settle that way. I am at Wit’s End, which is the name of a small motel on Gulf Blvd just South of Park Blvd Near Seminole, Florida.

It has been a brilliant experience, I have seen so much, I have cleared out all the clutter in my mental closets, to start with, and attended to some really deep-seated, and/or painful issues, or, I am getting ready to.

So, I have been waiting for this all my life and I just pray that the Powers that be get this right.