Proactive Proliferation

It starts.

The court case is closed.

The rest of our lives finally begins.

It comes down to the ectopic pregnancy.

My mother went to the hospital on my fifth birthday, so it’s easy to remember.

She talked to my about it quite a bit and I do remember. She showed me the scar on her belly.

They had to do an exploratory surgery because she had acute abdominal pain and they didn’t know why. She had been to the doctor for a miscarriage because found some bits in the toilet and she knew she had lost the baby.

It turned out it was an ectopic pregnancy and they found bits still insider her. What I finally realized recently is that they couldn’t possibly have gotten out all the bits.

She turned into someone else after that. I didn’t know what had happened to my beautiful mother.

I am more sensitive to this now as I realized that that is what happened to me when I had an abortion in Southern California when I was 31. I knew that something was desperately wrong and, as things trickle down the lane of time, I slowly put it together that a part or parts of the baby that was aborted stayed inside me and were trapped with the baby I did have. And the delivery was extremely complicated because of this. For instance, I couldn’t deliver the afterbirth. I was so sick and crazed I didn’t understand what was going on. The place was a madhouse. I was in a gurney in the hallway before they could get me into a room. I had just arrived from San Diego a couple of months before and I was two weeks overdue and my water had broken.

My life’s work was to help my mother because she didn’t like me. That is standard child logic.

Both my son and I were half dead.

My mother survived to be there for my brother and I and also for my sister but there was a specter lingering among us that I can now clearly see, the ectopic child. People used to know about that–before abortion times x to the millionth. It is very unhealthy and in the old days a woman wouldn’t have another child. These days people trust in modern medical miracles and all kinds of pregnancies and forms of deliveries (and we become weaker and weaker; but maybe that is about our transformation into an outer space being! who knows?)

Right now, at least in my mother’s generation, an ectopic pregnancy was considered a tragedy. My young, inexperienced father didn’t know what he was doing in that regard. My mother put on weight. After a number of years, she conceived again, after the doctor said she couldn’t. Or maybe he recommended that she shouldn’t. And that is how we have my little sister. And, as I write, I understand a little better about the whole business of the mother cat being put down. That was devastating. But my mother was devastated by the ectopic pregnancy, the exploratory pregnancy, by American doctors who didn’t know her. She could have died. She would have been 32 I think.

I was somebody who would never have an abortion. It just would never touch me. In fact, it already had. That is my present understanding of the situation. I had one when I was 13 or 14. Why I didn’t even know about it I will leave to the imagination. I have been mentioning it lately. And then, at 29, I got pregnant when I was so sick with coffee, cigarettes, and two class C psych meds, not showering, driving around in my car that I needed to see a doctor and there was no one I could see. And then just as I was contemplating this a born-again Christian friend who was kind of whacky and embarrassing called me and I had to confess what I was thinking about. She was already mad at me for having sex with the boyfriend I had met. It was like the kick in the belly that would cause an abortion or miscarriage in the old days. I was furious and desperate after that.

And then I turned against the child. I don’t know what that was about. Whether it was the boyfriend who was going to turn into my Green Card husband; I dunno, I was such a dunce back then. I did not know ANYTHING. My mother said something about my ex kicking the cat in the stomach. I developed a hatred of the baby and arranged an abortion at Planned Parenthood. An awake abortion. They said it wouldn’t hurt that much, just like cramping with a period.

This was how everything started.

It turned out to be the WORST, MOST EXCRUCIATING PAIN OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. Because it wasn’t just hurting me in a place you just don’t go, it was also violently ripping apart my own child, with whom I was intrinsically connected at that time. It was like being taken apart by an ALIEN who could reach me in some way that no human being would ever understand to. Please understand that Aliens are under God and that I know that if this happened, since then I have figured out that God is Love, God Cares, and God has a Plan. And he is pulling me back together from this RIGHT NOW. And I am weeping with my shame and my own mortality. Because I know that God had a reason for this and to quit my bitching. Especially where this was done for me to join my voice with the Pro-Life movement; and now we can all talk because the Pro-“choice” movement is no longer silencing us.

These issues are so tender and private. But they became base and scurrilous through decades of freely and easily available legal abortion. I don’t know what is going on the wake of Roe v Wade going down, I was always too afraid of what would happen and I am so glad that women and men stronger than me and with greater faith took it down. I took a vacation because of the issue of finding an Alien in my home, regardless of how crazy that may sound to you, please believe that it helps me to see that God did this SPECIFICALLY, IN PART, to pull me out of the way while saner hearts and souls acted in this regard. I am a little lost and confused as to this right now and not getting any particular signals to involve myself so I am just dealing with my own issues which are many.

But I am interested in the study of abortion and how it has affected women and men and how pre-infantile deaths affect born children who follow and their mothers. This is a goliath that is going to make us weep.

As for the aborted children themselves?