no morphine

So, in the ambulance, a year ago, I said the word “morphine.”

The doctor was refusing to provide the clozaril, and I was convinced that I was dying and doing my “dying work.” I was having groin spasms, and screamed late at night.

I felt so bad; and just wanted it to be over.

Turned out I needed a pacemaker, and got one. They put back the Clozaril and I was well again within an hour from thoughts of death and dying

It happened another time with the Clozaril being taken off of me and the thoughts of death and dying; i can’t place it in time.

But I am NOT a suicidal being any more. The silver lining of the horrendous Lamictal overdose in 2016 is that it took me out of the suicidal mode of thinking that I had remained in since the attempted wrist-cutting when I was 21. As a mother I didn’t think that way but the urge came back due to circumstances beyond my control and I did make 3 crazy-bad suicide attempts.

I AM NOT suicidal. Please DO NOT listen to anybody who says I should be mercy killed.

I am VERY HAPPY with Ian’s progress and with mine.

The Lord can do anything that He wants. He can heal me; He can continue to heal Ian; He can heal this situation.